Thursday, January 8, 2015

Thoughtful Thursday

(A day for introspection along with gratitude.)

I realized this week that I am not who I was a year ago.

I know we all change, but for me 2014 was a year of significant personal growth. Sometimes painful growth; I liken it to having gone through the metamorphosis of caterpillar to butterfly.

I suppose with that analogy that the change goes back to 2013, a year that (other than caring for an loving my family) I did little other than obsess over and feed a gluttonous jewelry obsession. (Ouch - it hurts to admit that).

Perhaps though, I can go farther back, to an event that closed out 2011 and brought me into 2012 entirely broken, destroyed as a human being, afraid, defeated, hurt ... an event that ended up with everything I thought was true and right in my life being shaken to the core. Perhaps at that point I was born anew.

But being born anew doesn't mean that I instantly had profound wisdom. I was a baby. I had to learn many things all over again. I need to learn who was I, what my purpose was, and most importantly, how to love myself again.

2012 was just about hanging on and learning to love from a new place.

2013 unleashed the toddler in me. Pain gave way to anger, anger gave way to entitlement.

But this was supposed to be about 2014, growing up, and finding myself.

First off, I continued in peri-menopause, but everything started to level off in the second half of 2014 and unless summer 2015 brings back hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, insomnia, and more I think I can say that I have moved into my crone years. Happily.

I also experienced what felt at the time like a seismic shift in terms of belief, but deep inside I know it was years in the making.  I just finally opened myself up to it.

I surrendered to unconditional love. I surrendered to love, period. Love for everyone, for everything, for life itself.

I found a new community, one that encourages me to be the best me I can be, the best mother, the best friend, the best wife, the best human being. I gave up things that had crept into my life starting in 2009.

I spent the entire year of 2014 as a vegan. This was my first 100% vegan year after an entire adulthood of vegetarianism with veganism sprinkled in (and 2007 - 2012, when we ate meat).

I had friends drift away, I drifted away from friends. In 2013 that saddened and even frightened me. In 2014 I recognized that it had more to do with me than with them. There were bound to be people who didn't want to hang out because I no longer ate animal products, drank alcohol, or shopped for entertainment. More than that, there were bound to be people who didn't know what to make of this kinder me, this person striving to stay positive, cheerful, and happy, to not participate in gossip and negativity.

So here I am, a new me, a me I am still figuring out :)

***Our taco main meal was delicious; I enjoyed having black beans, roasted butternut squash, charred onions and red peppers, guacamole, and shredded cabbage in a taco. Thank you!

***I felt a migraine starting after lunch (pain over my eye plus nausea and malaise) and went to lay down.  Papa came and snuggled me for about 10 minutes until I started feeling better. Thank you!

***The migraine didn't amount to much. Thank you!

***We walked to Market Night and met up with friends for supper from the vegan food truck. Thank you!

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